Enveloped perspective that assumes the position
of power that is colored plain and white,
secured by nine oval buttons that mimic pearls
that carefully hide you from women with thick
brains.
and the potential energy stored in bodily systems that happen
above the neck
to be something that hovers above.
Collar, detachable and black ties are cobra coiled around your neck
tightened by inflation turning your face green
while your head balloons in control
while words are whoopi-cusioned out of your mouth
splattered onto eggshell white walls.
A fertile place for secrets.
But when you were young all you wanted was to change the world and painted pictures of circles with green, blue and brown swirls.
First off, I like the colors you're working with in this piece. These colors alone reflect a mood you're trying to portray--very stoic but also natural. I like the several ways you portray white--plain, pearled, egg-shelled. A nice variety which I assume is what you're going for.
ReplyDeleteI would say that "Enveloped perspective" is a little too multisyllabic to open with. Though I like the word "enveloped". Consider using it as a verb and instead of stating perspective, how can you illustrate the "you" in this case--which I assume to be the reader-- and his (her in my case) perspective. Convince me, as a reader, that this is the perspective I have. For that, I need detail.
Position of power is somewhat cliched. I like that you describe that position using the clothing though, that is refreshing. Perhaps go in deeper into how the clothes represent the job and the position of power might be assumed. Did
I mention I like the words "thick brained" here? And whoopie-cushioned.
Overall, consider reigning in words with more than two syllables. And manipulate line breaks.
There's a inconsistent variety in the measure of lines here that disturbs the meter. Also consider playing up on the nostalgia you included at the end. I want to know more about these circles.
Overall, good job, and I hope this helps.